What I did

What I did

 

What I did is to get a job

In order to help my family

Also to give a helping hand to those in need

To reach a dream, to fulfill a goal, to become successful

To ponder opportunities

To divulged the uncertainty

And to create a space and time for myself too

 

What I did is to gain confidence

Prove myself that I am worthy

That I can do all things with courage

I even quit my dream job

Challenged myself to my weakness

My writing skills to communication skills

It may be cruel but I learned a lot – WORTH IT!

 

What I did is to improve myself

Do this stupidity and do that unconsciously

I may not be appreciated by many

At least I have that person who stays true to me

I am neither haughty nor petty

But I changed myself to become stronger

And risked myself to this kind of journey

 

What I did is to find happiness

I maybe alone more that it seems

Lost a friend and miss a piece

But I learned that even I’m alone

I can still enjoy my self-company

And that is to build myself

And regain my inner peace

 

What I did is to seek for the truth

If ever I was loved by people around me

Or whether I have space in their hearts or not

If they wonder, if I’m fine or doing well

But what I found is nothing but ignorance

To those people who look down on me

And they did took me for granted

 

What I did is to discover to my inner self

Something inside me wants to escape

Wants to break free with light that will shine

To those people who stayed in me

Even if I’m uninteresting, boring, and unexciting

I know that I am too, to the limit of my ability

Contributing to humanity

 

What I did is to become who I am

Painfully sweet but FULL of HAPPINESS and JOY

I know where I am supposed to be

What steps should I take, what challenges should I risk

“It’s not what I have been through in my life

That defines who I am; it’s how I got through it

That has made me the person I am today”

Image

Be I

I always been thinking that someday I will be able to say what is the truth: that I am someone who no longer cry over something stupid and that I will no longer be frightened walking alone. But once my mind comprehended, I just got suddenly scared to admit it. I got a hope that’s in my heart. I asked myself every time, what will I get if I change myself? Will I be happy then? Will people still care? I am just too naive. I don’t have the courage on whether I’ll be accepted or not. I’d been so sad – too sad that I can barely take it. That every person I know would just judge me and hate me. I know I am sensitive. Get hurt and wounded by even just a simple lie. But what should I do to myself then if I would always feel alone? Should I go to what people will say to me. Should I accept? I know I’m just repeating what I had said. Too obvious that people around knows me what I am pertaining to or what I am trying to say. I know to myself who I am, and even these people knows exactly who I am without me telling my story. My actions are seen through my obvious lies. The mask that covers my everything. The barriers I build to protect my pride, my loneliness, and my sinful life.

There are things  I don’t want to say

There are thing I just cant understand

And it seems like everything goes away

Here I am alone and broken again

 

I am afraid that rain will not end

The tears that overflows outside and kills my inside

Will it ever end and make me smile once again

For I hope one day you’ll be mine

 

I cant no longer hide this feeling

And I cant bare the pain inside my brain

That everyday my heart will fade

Swept away by loneliness and pain

 

I kept this for so long ago

Sealed it, never let it go

For I am afraid to admit that I was wrong

But even I want to, I am not that strong

 

Will you forgive me for being this small

And for always been a dumbass lier

I want to give it up, be my all

And I want to lone myself free forevermore

 

In The Accident of Stepping Back

August 8, 2015

After the accident, there is more than experience which I foresee. There is reality and a lesson learned.

 

Sunday, I went outside to find and buy a paper clip in order for me to settle my resume, cover letter and calling card. At the same time, make an advance reading. I was determined to finish all workload given to us because I want to build my confidence. Since I had noticed that I became tardy and cannot do my job right.  I thought of rebuilding myself yet here I am neglecting everything.

 

Around 3:30 p.m, I went to the internet cafe, supposedly, to have an advance reading but apparently, I got distracted and just played. After staying two hours and 7 minutes, I decided to go home. I was walking in the street, holding my eight pesos for the payment of the jeep. When I reach the middle of the line of the road, I was about to step forward but I noticed that it was quite impossible to get through. Instead, I step backward. I was confident that I will be safe. But I never thought that stepping back will lead me to a great shock. I just find myself sitting in the middle of the road, looking at my right foot and hearing those people saying “… 961”. It was really a shock that I cannot longer think. The only thing I knew, I was staring at my hurt foot and had the thought that this would be a burden to my family.

 

I was carried and brought to the hospital. The funny thing I remember, while heading to the hospital, I was able to put my eight pesos back in my bag rather than to think of my foot. Exactly 6:07 p.m when we arrived at the hospital. It was a really pain for me to see patients in which bloods flows in their hurt part of the body. I was physically checked by the doctor if there are damages aside from my foot. After the check, my parents were informed. The police came and asked about the incident. I stayed at the corner until my parents arrived. Seeing them nervous makes me anxious.

 

The nurse gave me two shots first of different kind of medicine and another one shot at 7:30 p.m for a test. While waiting, one patient arrived. It was about a seven to nine year old boy. His right knee has a deep cut and you can really see the flesh. It was caused by a falling broken piece of a mirror. Seeing the nurse stitching the wound, I feel more pained than the boy but I never heard the boy crying. Later on, one patient arrived again. It was a 35-40 year old man lying on the stretcher. Do you know the funny thing, the man cannot even move yet the doctor let him sign first a document before examining. Seriously, why on earth would you do that first!? Why not check him instead first? These are the thoughts I have in my mind when I saw that happen. I know I am not an expert and not even a doctor or nurse but can you really do that to a patient who cannot even move? I feel very uncomfortable that time. When the time has arrived, the nurse gave me the last shot. My mother asked me if I want to be confined but I refused because seeing patients in that condition is totally hurtful.

 

The hospital does have an x-ray machine but were not available. So, I was brought to another hospital for the x-ray. There is one sad thing I want to say, the hospital cannot perform the x-ray because we do not have the payment for it. “It is a hospital that neglects patients who cannot pay.” Is this the kind of hospital that really wants to help or is it a hospital that only wants MONEY. Shame on you! F@%* you! Around 8:15 p.m when the payment for the x-ray arrived, then later on performed the examination.

 

After the x-ray, we have to go back to the hospital to confirm if I there are fractures and there is a need of cementing my right foot. The owner of the truck accommodates us with his car and the employee bought all the medicines I need. Around 9:50 p.m, the doctor gave us the confirmations that there are no fractures and there is no need for cementing my right foot. There are just bruises and swelling of the foot. I need to take the medicines (three times a day in one week) until I recover. The owner really had the sense of remorse because he accompanied us in sending us home and he even bought us food. With this accommodations and service we had with the owner is a result of a quitclaim or dissolution of the claim which was done on Monday. Late night, finally home, I can now rest and take the good nights sleep because tomorrow onwards is the second chance of everything in new me.

 

If the staircase that was built through confidence, inspiration, and motivation that leads us towards at the end of our goals, keep stepping forward and do not ever step back. If we step back, it is the pain of falling and the pain of the past we will only encounter. I know it is okay to fall sometimes and reconstruct, rebuild, and step again after a fall but do we want to always to repeat it over and over again? If once or twice we fall, I hope the courage and the strength is still there in you that no matter what happen we keep stepping forward, looking forward, and facing every pain and burn until we reach the end of our turn because our dreams, hopes and love at the end of the staircase are one step closer in achieving it.

 

“First step is new. Second step is complicated. Third step is a fall. Fourth step is pain. Fifth step is retrying. Sixth step is forwarding. And the seventh, God leads us to the very end.”

Sin

I gave to you my life
Killed myself with a knife
A classic kind of crime
Hanged myself in a lime

I believe in your lies
Accept it many times
For I thought you’ll be mine
And hope that I’ll be fine

Your action’s abusive
Your thoughts are conclusive
You changed me recently
but murdered me quickly

Chaotic as you see
But hatred it would be
Today I will achieve
Revenge! ’cause I believe

The words that I had laid
Opposes what I have said
Helplessly I regret
Hopefully I forget

But I don’t want this sin
I dont want this unseen
Let faith be in the scene
So my life would be clean

//credit to the owner of the photo..

Untold Dreams: Rope of Misery

/*I started writing this as soon as I woke up, a few years ago*/

Who would thought that a man who laugh and find courage in his heart will go for an end.
One night, there’s a strange voice that passes through my door. I cannot express how much would I feel. I just close my eyes and fall to a dream. I’ve been dreaming this man who waves goodbye and say this words “Sorry, sorry that I can’t be with you at the very end”. It was a strange feeling that it seems like a miles apart to reach him out but as I tried to drew closer and hold his hand, he will be blown by the wind and gone.
In the morning as I awoke, I’ve seen my father through the doors. I wonder, was it still bothers him?


I’ve asked him, “Father, is there anything that I can do to help you?”
“Son, would you tie this rope on the walls so I can take a nap and sleep”, he replied.
“Yes father” I replied.
“Thanks Son, would you take care Rhiana for me?” he said.
“Yes father, I will and I promise” I said.


I’ve done what he told me to do but I failed to know the thing that bothers him because as time passes by, I had felt the sudden loneliness in that very moment. As I leave and go to fix my books before I go to school, I saw, I did saw it. There was a tear in his eyes and there is nothing I can do but to ignore those tears, say goodbye and leave.


Wherever I go, I’ve always seen the scenery of my father who cries. Even at school it still bothers me. I’ve been thinking of my father until the end of the day. It was not the usual way it was ’cause back then, we used to laugh at small things. Cry to small things. But reminding it were the big things in our life. If we throw these things back, we stop for a while, pause and look forward for something even greater. We live in our simplest way but because of that, everything has changed.

//Credit to the owner of the featured photo.