I’m Not Going to Get Married

Benjamin Ligayan, September 18, 2015 (via Facebook post)


For twenty years, I still don’t know how to love. Why? I have never been in a relationship. I’m not saying that for twenty years I became numb and have no emotions or feelings. It just when I started to like someone, it drifts away. When I started to have a crush on someone, it fades away. And when I finally thought that I love someone, there is nothing more except that I was played. I know that I’m quite introvert. Not expressive. Not that smart. Not even that good-looking. If only I became the contrary then maybe people will love me. But I know to myself, that when I fall to someone, I will devote myself that I can no longer think of my own happiness. Because when you see the person you love smiles, isn’t that your sentiment?

When I fell to my first love, I thought she was the one. Yes, it was well “taught of a thought”. I became the man, who grew crying because of being rejected. How many times? THREE! I was three times rejected with the same person, my first love. Well, that’s how I love. I know being that desperate is really a shame.But now that I became a different one, I will never go back to something that is hurtful. As years passed by, I finally overcome that and somehow I am happy being single and maybe for the rest of my life. “First love never dies.” Who said that? Rather, first love is a start of pain but an end of a rain. If I can no longer go back, cannot run away, and cannot hide forever then it is decided that I accepted who I become.

“After being neglected for the first time, how about the second time? Will it be the same? Will I ever be getting married?”
“There will always a rainbow after the rain.”

And when the colors of the rainbow shaded you and me, we painted our lives together. Therefore, we become one. But for a person who doesn’t know how to love, I will only think it as a lie. Why? Everything has changed. Blue and Yellow, I become the epitome of SHRINKING VIOLET. It is a feeling that is written in my heart and will never be apart. So, then when the second time had arrived, I can no longer express how I feel. Even if you say I love you, I don’t have confidence to tell you how much I do too. For I was once fooled and tricked by those words, I will never believed it unless you show me that it is true.

What you become today will never be the same and it constantly changing. Yesterday, you say you love me. Today, I truly accepted your love. Tomorrow, we became one. But yesterday, it was all full of lies. “Why people look for someone to love? If only love did not exist, I will never feel this way.” (Onodera, Ritsu – SekaiIchi Hatsukoi) I know it exist in the author’s imagination that his character will reach a happy ending but this is reality. Reality must be selective to which one is to accept and dreams must be subjective to which one is to foresee. Then, you say you love me but in the end, you say this is the end.
With all of these, I say, I’m not going to get married. For all of it, it was meant to be a lie. We live just to choose for an end. Where the concept of the above is the righteous and the below is the unrighteous. We became the different person that supposed to be the true one. We believe that eternity will meet us, if we accept the “one” that will lead us to that eternity.


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